Mof Gimmers

Weed featured heavily in my teens. I was like most teenagers really - lousy haircut, greasy skin, no money and a penchant for getting so high I could barely flick the ash burning a hole in my t-shirt. Like most, I knocked it on the head because, ostensibly, being stoned is really fuckin’ dull. Worse still, talking to someone who is stoned is about as frustrating as trying to thread a needle with a marshmallow.

However, there’s many who really promote skunk (etc) over all other drugs. I find it weird. Those who smoke, just to get high - fine. No quarrel here. The rest of you - we need a word.

Some argue it is good because it is natural. So is cyanide. So is mandrake. The world is filled with natural things that aren’t great. So yeah, ‘natural’ means nothing to me. Of course, rolling a dried-out leaf in a factory-made paper isn’t a natural process at all. Again, I don’t rightly care (and neither should you about my views on it) if you wanna get stoned, but I just wish the ‘IT’S NATURAL!’ argument would go away.

Others point out that it makes them feel relaxed. They usually tell you this at 6am, via Tumblr after being awake all night. Hardly relaxed. Everyone else is usually so relaxed, they’re in bed, actually asleep. Weed doesn’t relax you - it makes you jumpy and neurotic. Mercifully, I rather like jumpy, neurotic people. Again, I just wish the ‘peaceful, easy feeling’ of weed would shut up. Red wine and gin does the same for the middle-classes. They irritate me too.

But what really bugs me is the whole ‘weed lifestyle’. Anyone who defines ‘emself by the drug they take is pretty one-dimensional. People who wanna legalise it seem pretty dumb too. Why legalise it? It’s a piece-of-piss to get hold of and, besides, if it was government approved, it’d take away that illicit thrill that’s enjoyed by so many teenagers. Don’t take that away from them. I should know, it was all I had when I was 15.

Effectively, I’d like to see people stop glamourising weed. Not through any moral standpoint, but rather, it’s pretty boring. Weed is cheap, easy to buy and not that great a drug. It’s like sniffing poppers. People who toot amyl all the time would look pretty dumb if they wore it on a t-shirt wouldn’t they?

Ironically, any stoners who may be reading this probably lost interest after the second paragraph. C’est la vie.